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Starting to settle down [25 May 2006|11:15am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

With all that's happened, and all that's happening right now, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, but somewhat calm...sort of eerie really. Trying to get all my ducks in a row. There's just a few things.

Read more...Collapse )

3 ~ whisper to me?

Music is against me, I swear! [10 May 2006|10:15am]
[ mood | angry ]

After a long session in the gym, just me and the huge punching bag, tape on my hands and 'angry' mix in my ears...back in my cabin and pulling the tape off I hear this...

I'm under your spell
God how can this be
Playing with my memories
You know I've been through hell
Don't you see
There'll be nothing left of me

You made me believe...

...me I don't want to go
And it'll grieve me cause I love you so
But we both know...

Wish I could trust that it was just this once
But I must do what I must
I can't adjust to this disgust
We're done
And I just wish I could stay...

Everywhere I turn...I swear.
~ whisper to me?

A present...much needed [26 Apr 2006|08:04pm]
[ mood | surprised ]

Found in my cabin, a little flat box with a CD inside.

Listen to this.

I love you,

Pop it in the CD player, and a song begins...

Move along...Collapse )

And I sit, happy-crying on my bed..until I get up to play it again...and again I'm sure.

~ whisper to me?

Well, what...the fuck [11 Apr 2006|03:14pm]
[ mood | confused ]

SelfishCollapse )

~ whisper to me?

so so true [20 Nov 2005|12:10pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I walk the streets of Japan till I get lost
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
With a graveyard tan n'carrying a cross
It doesn't remind me of anything
I like studying faces in a parking lot
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like driving backwards in the fog
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

The things that I've loved, things that I've lost
Things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need to forget

I like gypsy moths and radio talk
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like gospel music and canned applause
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like colorful clothing in the sun
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like hammering nails, and speaking in tongues
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

The things that I've loved, things that I've lost
Things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need

Bend and shape me
I love the way you are
Slow and sweetly
Like never before
Calm and sleeping
We won't stir up the past
So discretely
We won't look back

The things that I've loved, things that I've lost
Things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need

I like throwing my voice and breaking guitars
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like playing in the sand what's mine is ours
If it doesn't remind me of anything
2 ~ whisper to me?

Kinda Spooky [14 Sep 2005|10:56am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Ooooooooookay, this is slightly spooky...either that or this guy is really good!

SagittariusCollapse )

2 ~ whisper to me?

*sigh* [01 Sep 2005|02:51pm]
[ mood | nervous ]

Why the hell am I doing this? Why can't I just buy him a birthday gift or make one like all normal people...I have to be a girl and think a cute photo would be nice...wouldn't it.

Just pacing around in my robe...I do have things underneath, just not much of them.

"Ugh, he's gonna think I'm a wierdo..." It's just nerves. I'll ask Billy once he gets here if he thinks it's a good idea or not.

10 ~ whisper to me?

Gifted [28 Aug 2005|10:05am]
[ mood | touched ]

After all that's happened, so so much to even think about so early in the morning, there's an envelope on the floor. Someone must have slid it under and it's got my name on it....this, this is unexpected. A gift from Billy, on his birthday:

Oh Billy!

It's your birthday...and you give me something so nice....makes me look so beautiful, a little dangerous and unapproachable maybe? I don't know what to say except...

Dear Billy,

Thank you so much for the lovely picture...and on your birthday no less. You're truly talented and I still would love to see your photos when you have the chance.

I wish you the very happiest of birthdays sweetheart, you deserve it. Just know I'll always be there for you, on this day, the next...and all the days after.

Much Love,

~ whisper to me?

Gotta stop watching Bill Murray Movies [11 Aug 2005|01:19pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Good Movies...great movies...great actor, just this one song got stuck in my head and of course it had to be Bowie. A great scene where Bill's character meets his 'probably son' and goes off to smoke up on the bow of his boat.

I could probably learn to play it on the piano too....I like the first verse, just reminds me of myself sometimes. This probably seems nonsensical, but I'm only musing.

Life on Mars?

It's a god-awful small affair
To the girl with the mousy hair
But her mummy is yelling "No"
And her daddy has told her to go
But her friend is nowhere to be seen
Now she walks through her sunken dream
To the seat with the clearest view
And she's hooked to the silver screen
But the film is a saddening bore
For she's lived it ten times or more
She could spit in the eyes of fools
As they ask her to focus on

Sailors fighting in the dance hall
Oh man! Look at those cavemen go
It's the freakiest show
Take a look at the Lawman
Beating up the wrong guy
Oh man! Wonder if he'll ever know
He's in the best selling show
Is there life on Mars?
~ whisper to me?

What's wrong with me? [25 Jul 2005|07:02pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I think I may need to make an appointment with Jake...or just take him up on the offer of a bike ride and just, ride away until no one can hear me except him, no one else can help me. I had a pretty good feeling that Angie might have been able to help me...but she's gone. Maybe I should just go? I don't know

Read more...Collapse )

Just, someone help me...it hurts too much to think about anymore.

~ whisper to me?

Harder and Harder to Breathe [10 Jul 2005|07:48pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

I was sick as a dog...with really bad timing. I couldn't have been sick later, or earlier. If I was sick on Wednesday I wouldn't have gone out, I wouldn't have encountered that sick fuck....

How dare you say that my behavior's unacceptable
So condescending, unnecessarily critical
I have the tendency of getting very physical
So watch your step cause if I do you'll need a miracle

You drain me dry and make me wonder why I'm even here
This double vision I was seeing is finally clear
You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone
Not fit to fuckin' tread the ground that I am walking on

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say
There's no way we're gonna give up
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

Open a window? Can't...Collapse )

~ whisper to me?

Pseudo update, kinda, sorta...fuck it [16 Jun 2005|04:12pm]
[ mood | numb ]

Orli's still away...
I'm back from town...
Apparently I'm fine...
Pills in my pocket and I don't know what to do with them...
CDs in hand reminding me of Billy...
I miss my brother...
No messages on the phone...
Been almost a week...
Viggo's back...
After I picked him up....
After being verbally abused...and grabbed...and rescued...

So Fuck It...Collapse )

*crawls back under the covers after making sure door's locked, yet again*

I feel sick...

~ whisper to me?

Just because I have it stuck in my head.... [03 Jun 2005|02:01pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

It's time to kick off your shoes
Learn how to choose sadness
It's time to throw off those chains
Addle our brains with Madness
Cause we've got plenty of time to grow old and die
But when at last your beauty's faded
You'll be glad that I have waited for you

I'll be that girl
and you would be right over
If I were a field
you would be in clover
If I were the sun
you would be in shadow
And if I had a gun
there'd be no tomorrow

((occ - she really does only have this song stuck in her head...catchy tune, and I have it stuck in my head as well...no mistake...she's fine, just song stuck))
~ whisper to me?

[19 May 2005|01:23pm]
Lunacy FringeCollapse )
~ whisper to me?

Appointment with Liv [07 May 2005|12:29am]
[ mood | nervous ]

She'll be showing up soon...I suppose it wouldn't hurt to have one, just one, to take the edge and nervousness off. I go outside behind the cabin, where it's quiet and just spark up my cigarette. I know I said I would quit and Keanu said he'd quit if I did...but I doubt even he's strong enough to just quit cold turkey like that. Anyway, it's just one...and I only have one left in my open pack. Listening to my back-up CD Player since I had brought my iPod to Billy. This group is a little bit more metal than I usually listen to, but I like them anyway...

Hard to Say...Collapse )

I stub out the cigarette and make a mental note to tell Ke, 'yeah, I had one...and have one left'...well maybe not one left after this meeting. I walk out to the front of the cabin and walk in to make a pot of tea.

Stirring casually I wait on the front steps for her, tea in hand, a chill in the air, and a shawl over my shoulders, knitted carefully and lovingly by my Nana. And here she comes, walking up so slow...and all the questions in my head...I don't even know how to form them. But I will, no one will know, no one will see. Except Liv.

"Morning Liv...would you like some tea?"

20 ~ whisper to me?

Saturday Morning...after a loooooooooong sleep [23 Apr 2005|11:17am]
[ mood | groggy ]

...somebody told me, you had a boyfriend who looked like a girlfriend that I had in...

What the hell...there's no words, except in my head, and why the hell is it all beepy?
Omigod, cell phone...."I'm coming...don't hang up!!!" Stumble out of bed, it's sooooooo early, who would be calling me this damn early. Maybe it's Jake? Hunter....I rub the sleep out of my eyes and try to focus, pressing the button!


"Hello...Orli...oh my god, do you know what time it is? Where the hell are you?" I look around and I figure well as long as I'm up now "Do you wanna go for breakfast or something, I can meet you." Lie back down and wait for his answer...a sigh of relief, good, nothing's wrong and it's good to hear his voice.

6 ~ whisper to me?

Friday Afternoon - After seeing Jake [21 Apr 2005|01:07pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Stumble out of the truck and try to find my legs as they've turned to jello from walking, and driving...and just being exhausted. Christ almighty that was some morning! Lots of things to talk about, lots of things said and felt and admitted and now, where do I go from here, I mean literally.

...just gimme a sign!Collapse )

~ whisper to me?

Twisted Insomnia... (Thursday Night) [15 Apr 2005|09:17am]
[ mood | shocked ]

Okay...that had to be the wierdest conversation that I've ever had with Jake...oh my god. Alright I have to calm down before bed...need to get some sleep...okay, breathing is good. Just lie here breathing...not thinking of anything...

Why? WHY??? OMG Why?Collapse )


Sitting bolt upright and gasping...slight layer of sweat covering me like dew, giving me goosebumps as the chilled air hits me...and...no, nononono...I'm wet...I can still feel it, I know what's happened...

I lie back down, sobbing a bit. Why is it always Orlando in these god damned dreams...why can't it be Keanu? Why? Breathing returning to normal but pictures and feelings still dancing in my head...I won't get back to sleep, and I know why...fuck...and I can't go to him, not like this. And I can't go to anyone else, it wouldn't be right, I would never...I have to...

1 ~ whisper to me?

Hunter and the Hunted [13 Apr 2005|07:01pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Of brothers, home, lovers and friends...Collapse )

~ whisper to me?

Bits and Pieces [11 Apr 2005|09:59pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

It's just a bit of a song...by a good singer...a good song, but a crappy beat and really awful samplings reminiscent of "Backstreet Boys" or, dare I say it, "New Kids on the Block"...but still, I find myself singing it because it's irresistable....

What if I was good to you?
What if you were good to me?
What if I could hold you till I feel you move inside of me?
What if it was paradise?
And what if we were symphonies?
What if I spent all my life to find some way to stand beside you?

~ whisper to me?

Wednesday After First Rehearsal [06 Apr 2005|12:34am]
[ mood | relieved, close to tears ]

Light outside is dimming, it's getting dark later again...Mom would be on her deck right now, Dad in his highrise, and all my siblings scattered. Except for one, I know where he is at all times, because I can feel him.

I wander around the cabin alone, turning on the radio...

...Damn, if mirrors were created by sand
Then I'm looking in the water for reflections of man
Understand the minds above time when it's empty
Emcee, tragically hip, ahead by a century, rrahh...

K-OS on the radio and a gift in my hand, twirling it around by one of its stems and the phone rings...

How did you know? Just like I did, I suppose...

18 ~ whisper to me?

Shopping!!! [02 Apr 2005|12:32pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Wooooo! Went shopping with Jake, for Jake, for Billy...but I managed to pick up a few things for myself too! God I had so much fun today, and Jake did too! I can tell, I could see, and I'm so glad that I could be one of the people to bring a smile to his face.

So...My goodiesCollapse )

~ whisper to me?

Scarlett Update [20 Mar 2005|12:36pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Actually turned out to be a couple of days...one really long day in particular that felt like a week, at least to me it did. Just turned out that way. Read more...Collapse )

((occ...Ivy's song is from "The Village". When Ivy (Bryce Dallas Howard) sings to her sister Kitty after she was rejected by Lucious (Joaquin Phoenix). Just a lovely little lullaby that I thought would be good.))

~ whisper to me?

What's been going on! [05 Mar 2005|11:31pm]
[ mood | loved, comforted...come home ]

So a lot has happened hasn't it...good, bad and evil!

Why can't I breathe...Collapse )

~ whisper to me?

Bubbly girl, in more ways than one [16 Feb 2005|05:05pm]
Valentine's afternoon & eveningCollapse )
~ whisper to me?

Deep Breath, Get Ready, Be Strong... [11 Feb 2005|01:37pm]
[ mood | Happy, nervous, hopeful... ]

Please dear God, if I've done anything remotely right in my life, let Keanu, the one that I love be at this party tonight. I will never ask for anything again. I love him so much. Also please grant me the courage to not feel guilty about love...he makes me so happy, I just want the chance to make him happy as well

Getting ReadyCollapse )

15 ~ whisper to me?

Does anyone else do this? [10 Feb 2005|09:56am]
[ mood | melancholy ]

Have you ever just stood in front of your stereo when a song you love comes on, and just rest your hand on top? Turn the volume up and let the vibrations and sound rush through you. Letting the words echo in your ears and make a silent plea to who it reminds you of, be it yourself or someone else?

I need the clearest indication...Collapse )

((Cross-posted to slashcampmusic when I get a chance))

~ whisper to me?

One minute you're waiting for the sky to fall... [06 Feb 2005|02:40am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

...and then you're dazzled by the beauty of it all...

So what's so beautiful about this then? Hmmm? I took Tobey's advice and told Ke, well that I love him. I kind of had to, I thought he was leaving! I couldn't let him leave without telling him. But he doesn't love me back. I took a risk and it seems that I should never go to Vegas.

But after that, I felt so damned selfish. I went back to my cabin to be alone, to just cry. I needed him, but he doesn't need me. He's a capable man, he can take care of himself. He doesn't need me taking up his time, making him take risks he can't afford to.

Orlando...he found me and thank god he did. My best friend came to my rescue, he looks out for me. He stayed with me even though he's dealing with his own pain. He's my rock, my angel, and my everything. I am so lucky to have him! He not only sticks up for me and watches out for me, but for others as well. I told Dan how much it bugs me...Orlando has been there for a lot of people, but where are they when he needs them? I'm here, I'll always be here for him...because he's here for me.

~ whisper to me?

My head is all messed up, and so's my heart [01 Feb 2005|11:17pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I may seem calm on the exterior, smiling even...but this sucks. I don't know how to say it so I'm just going to put it bluntly. Everything's a mess. Tobey's left Orlando because...well I don't know the whole story, all I know is that Heath kissed Orlando and I don't think Tobey's about to forgive him, just yet. They're both in a lot of pain and as much as I want to help, as I've tried to help Orli, I had to bring him to someone stronger, better suited to help him. I couldn't, I tried and I couldn't. I have to check on him soon...and Tobey. Tobey probably thinks that I'm only looking out for Orlando. He would be wrong. Orlando is my best friend, he's my main concern, but that doesn't exclude Tobey in the slightest. If he needs me when I go to him, I'll be there.

And then there's what's messed in my head, that's fucking up what's going on in my heart. I'm falling for him, hard....don't act like you don't know. Tobey was right, I should've just told him. But now, I don't know anymore. He's hot and cold, distant and then close. I was expecting a puzzle, the mystery that he is, not a mind fuck. But the thing is, he's not a mind fuck. It's me that's messing up my own mind, my own heart. I get jealous over the smallest things, over the most unlikely people. At least I hope I'm just being paranoid. Why do I feel like this? Again? 4 years older or 20 years older...does it really matter? I'm still messed up.

I need....I need a girls' night. I need Emma and Aly...and all the other girls.

4 ~ whisper to me?

Song bit that hit me [26 Jan 2005|09:46pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Listening to the radio I heard this bit of song:

Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight
Gotta kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight

Lovers in a Dangerous Time - by Bruce Cockburn
As sung by The Barenaked Ladies

It just struck me as so true. If it's worth it, you have to fight for it. Fight for your sanity, fight for what you've worked so hard to keep, fight for what you were given, fight for the ones you love.

~ whisper to me?

Oh shit...good or bad [26 Jan 2005|09:16am]
Well, this isn't going to help my Reputation at all now will it?

Lotrboy Dating Service
by dreaminaway
Favorite Number
Your DateDom AND Billy (package deal!)
Date activityPicnic in a park
Future of relationshipHe left you for Elijah.
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Thank you daloway! =)
~ whisper to me?

Sounds good to me! LOL [25 Jan 2005|10:36am]
[ mood | amused ]

Thanks to daloway! ;D

Your Lord of the Rings Vacation by dr_fabulous
Favourite colour
Lucky day
You spend your holiday withBilly Boyd
You spend your daysSkinny-dipping
... and your nightsPlaying 'Strip Tig'
Quiz created with MemeGen!
~ whisper to me?

Scarlett Update for Everyone [19 Jan 2005|05:30pm]
For recent events, check here!

So, when Scarlett first showed up at camp she was greeted with a bunch of people who she really liked and still likes a lot: Orlando, Jake & Billy, and Alyson helped her through a lot of stuff and she really really likes her!

Has a bit of a history with Jake:
For advice
For each other
For trouble
For Billy

After what happened with Jake & Billy she had thought she'd lost Orlando forever and kind of goes insane a bit. Thank god for Liv showing up. But, after Orli tries to off himself, Scarlett has to be there for him even if he doesn't want her there, but he did and she was forgiven and welcome. During and after all that, there was Keanu. Just showing up like that and intriguing the hell out of her among other things. So now there's him, and he helps her & makes her feel safe. But just as they're getting close Carl shows up at a baaaad time. Just so you know, Aly knows Scarlett has a thing for Ke. So that's what it's been like up until now!

((please disregard the Greg the Bunny icon...that was from when I was using my personal journal to play at camp.))
~ whisper to me?

Hmmmm, no this isn't ominous one bit...serious and sulking... [19 Jan 2005|12:02pm]
[ mood | curious ]

Thank you daloway! Big Hugs!

Whos Your Celeb Sex Slave?
by angelsurfer
Color Eyes?
Your Celeb?David Borneaz... so you go for the guy whos always serious and sulking? thats ok. he's fine.
Quiz created with MemeGen!
~ whisper to me?

[17 Jan 2005|11:35pm]
Well, a lots happened. Warning: Girl Thoughts AheadCollapse )
~ whisper to me?

Hmmmm [14 Jan 2005|10:46am]
Thanks to distrd_reality for this! Very neat!

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness.
Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connect to your soul.
You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable.
Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings.

You have great vision and can be very insightful.
In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself.
Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend.
You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer.

Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

3 ~ whisper to me?

LOL....woot! [13 Jan 2005|11:31am]
[ mood | amused ]

Thank you daloway!!! =)

X is for X-Rated
X is for XtRemE
_ is for
S is for Striking
C is for Colorful
A is for Ambitious
R is for Revolutionary
L is for Loving
E is for Elegant
T is for Tempting
T is for Tolerant
_ is for
X is for X-Rated
X is for XXX

~ whisper to me?

Just a quick note! [13 Jan 2005|09:14am]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

Happy Birthday to my most lovely best friend Orlando!!! Love you honey!

*Big Birthday Hugs & Schnoogles!*

~ whisper to me?

Getting Better, little by little [10 Jan 2005|01:05pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Saw Liv and she told me about some vitamins I could take so I can get back in shape for fight class and maybe not feel dizzy anymore. I have to eat dammit! Anyway, here's what she told me to take:

a good b-complex with C, something with the trace minerals in it, and a vitamin E glucosamine/chondroiton formula. no steriods, no anabolic of medtabolic enhancerss, no sudafed, ma huang, ehpedra, or anything like that.

So that's good...won't be taking any steroids though, lol, just silly.

Watched a movie with Orli and had a really Bizarre Dream about Orli and me....so I have feelings for him...no one's going to know. This one's secret, from everyone. He's my best friend and it would ruin a lot so...this is my secret.

Saw that Jake has an appointment slot open for me on his weekminder but I didn't have a pen on me so I couldn't let him know that "Whenever's good, I'll make time."

Other than that, all is well, getting much better. Having fun now. Jake's sister Maggie arrived. She's really nice, need to meet up with her for a tea, maybe sometime tomorrow? I'll have to find her...and Emma as well, I hear she's planning another party. *facepalm* Ack, I can plan a party, but can I behave? We'll see!

~ whisper to me?

Photo Assignment Hand-in [09 Jan 2005|10:27am]
Was strolling by the art room, saw the notice about handing in the picture and I remembered I have mine done....oooh, a bit painful right now to look at it, maybe I should hand it in. It's from that day where Jake and I went for that bike ride and I had so much fun and he was so much fun and....well, here's the pic Johnny...

Photo Assignment

Don't know what I was going to call it....don't even think it needs a name, it's Jake right? Well, there ya go, hope it's okay.
5 ~ whisper to me?

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